Dealing with the darker side

I understand impulse control. I have a hard enough time controlling my own impulses and I do not have ADHD. There are times, though, when I worry about Colin because I don’t know how you separate impulse control from just plain bad behavior.

Impulsively pushing buttons, I understand.  Yanking the wheel out of his brother’s really nice pop-up Lorax book because he has to know how things work… that makes sense (even if it frustrates me).

Picking up our 65 lb dog by her collar and throwing her to the ground? I can’t comprehend that.  What makes a child – any child – think that’s remotely okay?  (Let’s not even think about how Chloe outweighs him by at least 10lbs. How he managed to lift her up by the collar – even with her back legs still on the floor – is beyond me.)

This is what I walked in on after leaving the room for a few minutes last night.  We were going to head to the gym after dinner – I went to wake Rick up – and I told the boys what the plan was.  They were all excited (there’s a Kids Club at the gym). I told them all they had to do was behave for a few minutes while I went to get Rick and change clothes.

I heard her yelp and came in to see Colin holding Chloe up by the collar. Before I could get to him, he threw her to the ground.  I lost it.

I’m fiercely protective of my children – even when it’s one against the other.  Even when they’re “fur” children.  I completely lost it.

And then I just started crying.  I cried for about an hour. We obviously didn’t go to the gym. I felt awful for Robbie and Ryan – they’re constantly being punished for things that Colin does and that’s not fair to them.  I was too upset to go and too upset to be left at home with Colin.

Rick blames himself, which I tell him doesn’t make sense.  He’s not to “blame” for Colin – he saved Colin from a far worse fate.  If anyone’s to “blame” it’s that b—- that gave birth to the poor kid and likely messed him up for life by how she mistreated him in those first fragile few weeks.  (For anyone just joining us, Colin was adopted through foster care – taken from his birth mother at 5 weeks old.)

Rick called Dr. L’s office again last night. Hopefully we’ll hear from him soon.  Something has to give.

ETA: I am not saying that all kids with autism/adhd were mistreated at some point. I hope it doesn’t come across that way – that’s not my intention in the least. Colin may very well have issues beyond the autism/adhd diagnoses he’s received so far. He was malnourished and mistreated as a baby – peanut butter shoved in his mouth to keep him quiet and never held or loved for those first five weeks. I know that irreparable damage was done to him – physically, psychologically, emotionally – before he was even 2 months old.

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4 responses to “Dealing with the darker side

  1. I have a hard time with making the distinction between autism/ADHD behaviours and just plain bad behaviour. Often, my husband and I are on opposite sides which doesn’t help either. I really hope the doc can offer you something that will help.

    • I think my husband put it best last night when he said that a lack of impulse control [adhd] combined with a lack of empathy [autism] is a deadly combination.

  2. Oh Sara. 😦 If I could reach through the screen and give you a hug, I would. I hope you’re able to get some additional supports in place for Colin soon, whatever that may look like.

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